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| I haven't updated since September 18...
Every time I think about doing it I'm like, I'll do it later, and when I get there, I have nothing to say.
It is now 2009, I will be 19 in 5 months, isn't that crazy. Do I feel 18? Is this what I foresaw my 18th year being like years ago? Is it everything I hoped for and so much more? No. No. No.
"I'm the same as I was when I was 6 years old, and oh my god I feel so damn old do I really feel anything?"
I never feel like an age. I just am. I feel the same as I did when I was 16, when I 12, when I was 10, and probably the same as when I'm 25. Obviously I'm different, but life changes at such a slow rate (and yet such a fast rate) that the changes are hardly noticeable. Isn't that amazing.
What did I see my 18th year being like? I have no idea. I'm sure I hoped for this glorious perfect year, but that's not a wish for a specific year (such as this 18th that is upon me), but I would hope that I wish for that every year, just to have something to wish for. Swamped with school, not really doing what I want to do, not really being who I want to be, my 18th year has been astounding.
This is not what I hoped for, and obviously not so much more. It's different. Life isn't what I predicted, wanted, or wished for. But, is that necessarily a bad thing.
If everything came out the way I wished or hoped for, how eventful would it be. How much of life would it resemble. Wouldn't it be then much more like a dream, rather than like life. If so and so asked me out on a date, and that's exactly what I hoped for, saving me the trouble, what type of life would that be? A good one? A happy one where all my wishes were granted? But where would the obstacles be, the experiences. I think I can say I'm glad all my wishes or even just some of them don't miraculously come true, because then I'd pretty much not being living and controlling my life. I'll make the decision and step up to the plate and ask so and so, and if I don't, then I don't, and I'll have to live with the regret/satisfaction of the decision. Life is what I make of it, so if I'm mad that I'm not doing what I want to do or not being who I want to be, there's no one to cuss out more than myself.
So just because there's three No's at the beginning of this post doesn't mean that my life is horrible, even though it has the negative connotation. My life is my life, with all the unexpected happenings, all the let downs, and all the missed opportunities, as long as the let ups (?????) and the taken opportunities. At the end of my life, all I can hope for is that I fulfilled my goals in my life, loved the ones I wanted to, taken the opportunities I wanted to, didn't waste time on the small stuff that doesn't matter, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
I don't know if this post feels depressing or uplifting.
On a side note, or parallel note, or whatever, I was thinking the other day, how much I don't like this fabulous international education program, that if I could go back, would I go down the other road? Instinctually at first I'll say yes, but then I stop and think what the really means.
If I made the other decision, I would have a year and a half's worth of different memories. Why are those memories any better than the ones I have now? They're not. I am glad with the people I've met, the friendships I've made, the people I've gotten to know better.
So, I say, I would not change the education route I've taken. That's a different story never to be written. All opportunities can't be taken, so take pride in the one's you have taken.
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| It bothers me when people accuse me of not believing in god. I'm just unsure of his existence.
But I guess if I don't know if he exists then I don't believe in him, but saying I don't believe in god connotes such a matter of fact of "yeah, I don't think he exists," but that's not my stance on the whole situation. I'm just in the process of trying to figure it all out. So, literally, I guess yeah then I don't believe in him, but its not as black and white as that.
Is it a sin to be in a state of wonder, trying to figure it all out? A big enough of a sin to send me to hell? Are there different degrees of sins? Where does purgatory stop and hell begins?
This came to my mind when today someone said something like "what are you talking about, you don't even believe in god." That irritates me too cause I have never said that phrase, "I don't believe in god." So, they just assume its so because of the way I discuss things concerning god and christianity. Is it a crime to just not know?
I think that sometimes I do think there is a god, sometimes I don't, but most of the time I'm just trying to figure it all out.
"God made mud
God got lonesome
So God said to some of the mud, 'Sit up!'
'See all I've made, the hills, the sea, the sky, the stars.'
And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around
Lucky me, lucky mud.
I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done.
Nice going, God!
Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have.
I feel very unimportant compared to You.
The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around.
I go so much, and most mud got so little.
Thank you for the honor!'
Now mud lies down again and goes to sleep.
What memories for mud to have!
What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!
I loved everything I saw!
Good night.
I will go to heaven now.
I can hardly wait...
To find out for certain what my wampeter was...
And who was in my karass...
And all the good things our karass did for you.
Amen."
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| Most valuable thing I've learned all week concerns the use of spray paint.
If you want a white tie, don't go buy a cheap tie at a thrift store and try to spray paint it white, it doesn't work. Just go buy the cheapest white tie you can find, and at least then its legitimate, soft, and looks decent.
If you want a white belt, I guess you could spray paint a cheap tie you buy at a thrift store, but you should probably use fabric paint, or some type of paint that is able to bend/twist/stretch/etc. If you don't, then as soon as you bend it the paint on it cracks. So, I'd probably suggest just go buy a white belt for this one too. Then, the white would probably last longer, and there's nothing wrong with wearing a white belt, so it could easily pay for itself.
And finally, the lesson closest to my heart, is if you buy some cheap white shoes at a thrift store that are just barely off white from age but fit you pretty darn well, like they're a really good find cause they fit so good, don't spray paint them to get them even whiter. Yes, after doing it, they'll look insanely awesome and white and shiny, but the paint will start to chip off as soon as you put them on and walk, and then you'll be really disappointed and mad at yourself. What you should do is at least use a paint that flexes, but, it would be smarter to bleach them and/or use white shoe polish. Then you could enjoy them for a long time, not just like an hour and a half.
That's what you'd do if you were smart.
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| thought I might as well post something before I leave to california tomorrow.
the matches concert was last night. I can say it was definitely amazing. Hecka good. I talked to Shawn and Jon too, so that was freaking amazing too. Had them sign my flags. it was great nonetheless. They played 8 songs:
(in order)
1. Sunburn versus the Rhinovirus
2. Little Maggots
3. Their City
4. Salty Eyes
5. Wake the Sun
6. Sick Little Suicide
7. Yankee in a Chip Shop
8. Papercut Skin
i take that back, i don't know if its in that order. Some of the middle songs might be switched around, but those were all the songs played.
i don't know what else to say other than it was pretty awesome.
it was so awesome even minnie me was there. no joke. he was. i didn't expect that.
the other bands were ok. all time low's cover of umbrella was pretty cool though.
i bought 2 matches shirts, matches soap handmade by jon (awesome right?), and i got a free year subscription to ap and a poster along with it.
it was a good night
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